Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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