I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
