I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We smell like vodka and hangover
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