the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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