Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my shit smells like andre
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
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Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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