so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
