Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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