the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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