I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I party with great urgency now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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