my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
