woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
