i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
