tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
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we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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