Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
