Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I still have a little drunk in my system
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
