I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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