I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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