So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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