On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
