Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
