Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dick very happy bro
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
