I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
