Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'm really busy with my period
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