not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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