and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
