we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
