So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
