Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
