im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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