you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
