She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
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So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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