I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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