I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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