I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
they're like a gay fantastic four
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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