I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
