He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
