guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
