I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
