Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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