I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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