You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
