This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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