She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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