I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
