I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
