There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
