sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
