the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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