either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
