he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
