worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
