jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
