I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
