What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
