how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
