He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
