she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
